Guys! Guys! We're doing a video for Cliff and Cydney.
What do you want to say?
First the big studio sale. Now the big wedding.
MVP year for our boy, Clifford.
I fucking hate you, Anderson.
Hey, and when you're all famous,
don't forget about your crew from film school.
Boys in the Wood Hood!
You dance with who brung you, Cliffie. You dance with who brung you.
- The red dot. - There's the red dot. The thing.
You comfortable?
Got the camera. This should ...
Hey, can I ask you a question, Mr. Cliff Anderson ...
- Yeah. ... of Venice Beach, California?
Yes, Mrs. Cydney Anderson,
formerly Miss Cydney Karswell, of Pacific Palisades, California.
How did you get this scar?
Oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't notice it before.
I mean, you know we wouldn't be here tonight if it wasn't for me.
I mean, I brought her to that Black Eyed Peas concert.
I introduced them. I mean, I basically hooked them up.
That's a long story ...
and it involves Homeland Security.
It's not funny. And me being unexpectedly pressed ...
into service as a deputy air marshal.
And I don't really want to talk about it.
Try again! A little less grandiose, thank you.
My brother hit me with his skateboard when I was nine.
Wait, which brother is this?
That would be Tommy, the dick, from Michigan.
- Tommy ... - My little brother getting married before me.
Yeah, I wonder why. Come on. Your armpit smells like ass, okay?
Will you let the fuck off?
I came all the way from Michigan to do this one more time.
How does that feel?
Wait, I thought he said Maryland at the wedding.
Excuse me, but whose brother is this?
I'm so sorry! He's got, like, 16 brothers, okay?
All right, Tommy from Michigan. A new wife should know these things.
Yes.
I want you guys to know how much I love you. I adore you.
And I hope you have the best time on your honeymoon.
And make it something to remember. Love you, guys.
I think they just wanted to start off their lives together ...
with some kind of adventure.
Feet in! Feet in! Feet in!
- Christ! Are you insane? - It's a rental.
Mrs. Cydney Anderson.
Mrs. Cydney ... No, Mrs. Cydney ... Listen.
You know, it's like writing cheques in January. I know I'm going to blow it.
You got to keep practising.
Cliff, get back in here! God!
I've never seen so many shades of green!
Hey, hey! Get a picture of me!
Hey, hey!
Stop it!
Look! Look!
Hey, hey! Look, look! Trekkers!
- Hey! - Hi!
Hey! Hey, I want to do that! Kalalau, that trail right down there!
Did it myself back in the day. I'll show you what it's all for.
The most gorgeous dead end God ever made.
- Yeah! - You know what? Drop me off right here.
- Forget the hike. - Only two ways in and out, Cydney.
By foot or by kayak.
But that's what makes it so special.
Well, beautiful it is, brother. How many days you allow?
About one day in, one day at the beach and then another day back.
Common mistake.
What, you think I need more?
I don't know if you need more, but you'll sure want more.
As long as all your permits are updated ...
and so on. - Yeah, yeah. See?
Okay. Yeah. 'Cause the rangers do get out and work the trail.
- So, you want to keep these close, Cliff. - All right.
And this, too.
- Did you miss me? - You know, three days sounds plenty to me.
Man ...
Nine whole minutes.
Do you realise that's the longest we've been apart since we got married?
You must have missed me something awful.
- This is 11.5 miles each way, right? - Each way.
- Tell me you missed me. - Well ...
- I'll give you a BJ in the car. - Okay.
Another one.
Anyways, check this out, Cliff.
Now you gonna cross over five valleys.
Each time you do, you're gonna gain or lose 1,000 feet of elevation.
- That's the killer. - I missed you, too, baby.
- What? Did you go somewhere? - You're so bad!
- $475.35. - All right.
- Yeah, I know. It looks like I robbed a bank. - It's our wedding haul!
What's up? What's up?
- How's my baby boy? - Back from Oahu?
Glad to see you back. Nowhere near Honolulu, were you?
No, the other side. Waves were junk for three days.
More better over here. Why? What's the stink in 'Lulu?
Maybe enough for now. Want to help these two out to their car?
Yeah, I'll just dump my gear. I'll be right with them.
Boy's gonna help with your bags.
- Get an early start, brother. - Yeah, I will.
♪ All right ♪
I love our new lives!
Hey!
- What are you doing? - It's Hawaii.
Just because we're in Hawaii we're gonna do things we don't normally do,
like pick up hitchhikers?
Come on. Nothing bad ever happens in Hawaii, right?
- So, how far are you going? - Lumahai Beach.
Lumahai? Lumahai? I don't think we know that area.
It's about 10 miles ahead, right on this road, right by where the big trail is.
- You know that trail? - Yeah, the big trail?
But we're ... But we're not going that far. So ...
- So, how far do you go? - Just up the road a bit.
So, if you guys, you know, stay here for five more minutes,
I'm sure someone will come along that can ...
We was waiting for, like, an hour before you stopped.
Maybe more.
- Shit, I thought this was Hawaii. - Sorry.
Come on.
- Hey, you guys married? - Yeah, yeah, we just got married.
Hold this. Some of these pictures totally suck.
It's one of those cameras you chuck.
- This one, this is a good one. - Hey, Cleo, what are you doing?
These people want to see less of us, not more.
Here it is.
That's us doing the deed in Oahu.
We just woke up one morning and decided to get married.
- Pretty, isn't it? - Yeah, it's lovely. It's ...
Wait. Is this in a grocery store?
Paula's Market. They do it up real nice for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's an onion.
Yeah, produce manager took that picture.
I know it sounds kind of tacky, but it's pretty frigging pretty
when they add all the little radishes in there and stuff.
Right, that's what those are.
Hey, baby, look, it's Kale and Cleo getting married in Oahu.
Yeah. Suitable for framing.
You know what? We'll just drive you there.
Ten miles, I mean, listen ... We could have been there by now.
Maybe next time, huh?
Kale, don't be that way.
- Baby, come on. - Come on, guys.
- We don't have to make this a bigger deal ... - Cleo, get the fuck out of this man's ride!
Well, I think we handled that really well.
- Up there! - Here we go. Kalalau Trail.
- That's good. - Bye, Mom!
How'd that look?
Well, I was just pointing and shooting.
These new things have too many buttons for me.
Yeah, that's what you get for buying top of the line.
I might have to break down and actually read the manual some day.
- I would love to see that. - Thanks.
Okay.
Well, I guess everybody else did it.
Did they really?
Show it no fear.
I think the rest of it kind of washed away or something.
Okay, watch me. Keep your eyes down, your speed up,
avoid those green rocks and just be fearless.
Well, he made that look easy.
Yeah, but he's not wearing a whole Dave's World of Camping store on his back.
All right, ready!
- World record, baby. - Okay. Okay.
- Oh, my God! - Careful.
- You got it. - Okay. Thank you.
- You did great. - Come on, baby, you can do it.
Outstanding.
- Did I almost just die right there? - Come here, come here, come here.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- I was doing so well, I thought. - God.
Hey! What's your name?
Have we met before?
Because when I first saw you guys, I was getting a little déjà vu-y.
- No. No. - No.
Nowhere I remember, Nick.
That face.
- Are you an actor? - No, no, no.
- I haven't seen you on TV? - No such luck. No.
Actually, Cliff is a screenplay writer. He's very sought-after.
All the big movie studios want him to do their projects.
I knew I smelt fame and fortune on you. A screenplay writer?
- We just say screen ... Screenwriter. - Any movies I might know?
Well, actually my ... My ...
My first script is in pre-production right now.
So, if you ask me again the same time next year ...
Who's in it?
Still trying to figure that out. Still casting out, so ...
Well, Nic Cage is always money in my book.
I like how he gets all intense right at the end of a sentence!
- So, you got a good Act 2 twist? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - It's ...
- Are you in the business, Nick? - Me? No, no. I just took some course,
one of those writing boot camps.
I've had so many ass-puckering experiences in life,
I figured, ''Hell, I'll just throw it down on paper and make myself a million bucks.''
Yeah. It's not that easy, is it?
I liked it all, except the paperwork. You know, actually making pages, it's just ...
- Yeah. - But I got the basics down.
Three acts, a hero with a journey, red snappers. All that shit.
- Red snappers? - Yeah. You know,
you bring in a character just to fuck with the audience,
just to try and throw them off track ... - It's a herring. It's a red herring.
I'm pretty sure it's a snapper. Excuse me while I shake the bush here.
So, you're, like, halfway to famous, Cliff?
- Pretty much. - Outstanding!
Yeah, there's a whole big crew getting ready in Vancouver,
building sets and stuff.
But they're there, you're here.
Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to explain,
but they brought in another guy to do a quick rewrite. So ...
On your story?
Yeah, just a two-week punch-up. They ... It's common.
Yeah, how long ago was this?
- It's nine weeks now. - Yeah.
No. That's fucked up. That's your vision, Cliff. That's your baby.
You can't let them get away with that shit.
He's got these agents and they don't do ... I mean, they don't fight for him or anything.
- And I was just telling Cliff the other day ... - Not that ''me'' isn't my favourite subject,
but maybe we could talk about something else for a while.
Well, I'm going to leave you with one last pearl of wisdom.
- Get a new agent? - You get a new story.
- What? - Me, too!
I have one! No. Wait a minute.
What should we do? Should we go up or should we just go back down?
This is supposed to be the best service, ever.
I don't care.
Did you hear about Oahu, what happened there?
- Why? What happened? - Well, my dad just called from KCK.
Reception's, like, major shit out here.
But he said something about some murders.
Wow.
There's no service.
- Flat line. - I'm in and out, mostly out.
Wait. This is in Honolulu?
Dad wants us to leave. I think he's in major overreaction mode, okay?
Some newlyweds were killed somewhere, he said. That's what happened.
- Yeah. - That's awful.
I mean, we were just there, like, the day before yesterday.
We have been planning this for, like, five-and-a-half months!
Does he not even know it's a different island?
What did your dad say?
I mean, do they know who did it? Do they know anything?
He says that they're looking for two people. A man and a woman. That's all I got.
It's like that movie, huh? Natural Born Killers.
Oh, my God, that movie, like, totally freaked me out.
- When his head was doing that thing ... - Majorly.
- Well, what do you think? - I mean, it was Oahu, not here.
Well, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Well, hey, I mean, it's our honeymoon, right?
Well, I exit here. Be safe. Some hard yards ahead.
Are you ... Are you camping over at Secret Falls?
I read all about it in the guidebook.
Yeah, just for the day.
I had to run back to the truck for a little butane.
Well, how close is it?
Well, it's like everything else in Hawaii. It's as close as far away gets.
- Baby. - What?
- It sounds so romantic. - Yeah,
but I'd like to get to the beach by sunset. - But it's only like, what,
like, a mile or something? It's, like, nothing.
Honey, come on. Maybe we should give the man his privacy.
Don't matter to me. Plenty of Eden to go around.
- What? - Nothing.
- One mile? - One. Serious?
- Yeah. - Cool!
Hey, wait up!
Well, I do believe she's clotheless.
- Hey there, stranger. - I do believe he is, too.
This is Gina!
Did he mention Gina before?
Crazy-ass love of my crazy-ass life!
- He has now. - Okay.
So, they're, like, a couple?
Y'all coming in or what?
Baby, are we going in or not?
Yeah, in a minute. Let me see if I can get some reception.
Okay.
That's nice.
I hope we're not intruding on your private paradise here.
Forget it, Nicko's always bringing home strays.
Mrs. Cydney Anderson. We're newlyweds.
Miss Gina Struggs. We're not.
You are so dead.
Okay.
Here we go. Come on.
''Thursday on Oahu. Possibly mainlanders on their honeymoon.
''Teeth and fingerprints removed.
''Have reason to believe killers may have jumped islands to Kauai.''
- Are you shitting me? - No, these girls on the trail told us.
I feel like maybe we saw someone.
They know who it was who did the killing?
I don't think so.
''Security cameras released photo of suspect.''
You know what I heard? A few people die out here every year.
They just stand under a waterfall, get hit by some falling rock.
Or maybe they just slip and go right on over. Vanish.
Who knows how? Or even why. Could be the wages of sin.
- How you doing, Hot Wheels? - I'm good.
That's two lies in one day. It comes naturally to you, don't it?
Are you following us, Kale?
You know, it ain't the fact that you deceived us.
Every man's got a pack of lies in him, right?
It's just that you thought we was foolish enough to buy it.
- I'm sorry, I don't ... - What did you think, anyway?
Just 'cause we choose to look a certain way that makes us, what, desperados?
- No, I don't think ... - Jesus, man.
You know, sometimes it feels like the whole world's just spitting in my face.
Excuse me.
Look. I thought you said you were going to Lumahai Beach.
"Going to that area." That's what we said.
Well, you didn't say you were doing the trail, so ...
Well, neither did you.
Look. We offered you a ride. You didn't want it. You didn't take it.
So, I don't really understand what the issue is between us.
Kale?
Joy and happiness here?
No, I think we're good.
Outstanding.
- How far you going, Hot Wheels? - Playing it by ear.
- You? - Probably the next beach.
- What's it called? - Hanakapi'ai.
- That one, yeah. Maybe there, maybe further. - Need permits to go further.
Should have given us a ride, man.
Come on.
So, after a $45 taxi ride, we wind up at the Ocean View Hotel.
Sounds nice, doesn't it?
Problem is it hadn't actually had an ocean view since 1987,
when these high-rises went up across the street.
Jesus. Everyone's like, "Waikiki is so great!"
Honestly, it's getting on my last nerve.
- Are we okay? - Yeah. Let's keep an eye on our time, okay?
Yeah, but do those packs belong to who I think they belong to?
Yeah, they said they were doing the trail all along.
I don't know, maybe they were. Shit, it's 1:30 already. Come on, let's go.
Hey, baby, you want to break this down? We should be clackalacking, too.
- Okey-dokey. - Thank you.
So, you guys don't mind if we tag along? I mean, we're all going to the same place.
It's fine with me.
Yeah. Are you kidding?
- Did you take the permits? - No, I didn't touch them.
Well, I put them right here in this brochure.
Did you leave them at the store?
No. I'm pretty sure I put ... No, I'm positive I put ... Shit!
While we're still young, Cliff?
Yeah, one sec!
- We leave no man behind. - These are some hard yards.
Guess you can't have rainbows without a little rain. Right?
You hear that Cliff here is a big screenplay writer?
You write for the movies?
- Whoopty-tah. - Yeah, we say screenwriter.
- He's on the prowl for a new story. - Sorry.
You know, I could tell you shit you ain't seen ...
in no Hollywood movie before.
- You watch yourself now. - What?
What, what? You know what.
Maybe Cliff here can change the names to protect the guilty.
- You guys do that in movies, right? - Yeah.
- You know Johnny Depp? - He knows Nic Cage.
You see him playing me in some movie?
- Baby, you know Nic Cage? - Yeah. Yeah, I do now.
No. See, me, myself, I like that Johnny Depp better.
I mean, he is just dreamy. I mean, the way he looks at you.
Jesus Christ. Honey! It all starts with story.
- Am I right, Cliff? - Yeah.
You know, I once made a surprise visit in a certain dictator's palace on the Tigris River?
Newly evacuated. Still smell the Havana tobacco hanging in the air.
We were tasked with finding perishable intel, computer dish, shit like that.
But in the master bathroom, about the size of fucking Ethiopia, by the way,
there's golden dolphins for faucets.
There was this lock box bolted to the floor, had his initials engraved on top.
We started beating on that fucking lock ...
- Wait, Iraq? You were in Iraq? - Yeah, first in.
Me and my wolf pack.
Fuck those pictures you saw of the 4th Infantry. That was later.
What I'm giving you now is God's real shit.
He is not supposed to be talking about this stuff.
So, inside this box, I figured maybe cash,
maybe a set of pearl-handled pistolas.
Hell, maybe some damn fine presidential-grade hashish.
We finally burned it open with a 50-grain det cord.
- It's a handy tool, det cord. - Yeah.
Wrap it around a tree, three-feet thick.
Drop it across a trail when someone's hot on your ass.
- Remember that trick. - Yeah. A det cord. That's a nice detail.
Well, you gotta get the details right, Cliff.
Otherwise, we're just making another big craptastic movie.
So, we opened this thing. What do we find? What do we find? What do we find?
Iron Man. Avengers. Dude was a Silver Age Marvel freak.
And you know what he had most of in his own personal stash?
- I don't know, Nick. I wasn't there. - Sub-Mariner.
- What? - All in French for some reason.
- Namor, prince of the deep? - Yeah.
Why Sub-Mariner? Isn't that, like, one of the shit titles?
One theory, tug-job material.
Mr. Presidente had a thing for French-speaking fellows,
little Speedos and big spears. One theory.
So, you were, like, Special Ops.
What were you? Seals? Rangers?
Officially, I'm only allowed to say that I've been a sworn officer ...
participating in a tactical phase of certain missions ...
that would make most men want to crawl up and hide inside their own assholes.
And unofficially?
I'm a goddamn American Jedi.
Possible title number one, by the way.
Hey. See this?
Took a frag from a Bouncing Betty. It's an antipersonnel mine.
Caved in the back of my fucking head.
Medevaced out to Germany.
Got my skull rebuilt with space-age titanium.
Can't go through a metal detector without ringing cherries, but that's cool.
Lets me travel with Gilligan just about wherever I want.
Gilligan?
My little buddy.
That's some toothpick.
Here's the kicker, though. When I took that shrapnel, I never felt it.
I mean, I felt the impact and I felt my backside go all wet, but no real pain.
Now, maybe I don't recall events in full.
They did scoop out a little grey Spam back there, but get this.
My wolf pack? They will swear that I was ambulatory ...
for more than 17 minutes before they forced me to lie down. Tackled me.
Even then I was looking to monkey-fuck a Marlboro Light.
There's no nerve endings in the brain, Cliff.
Remember that when you write the scene.
Yeah. There's some really good details there.
Yeah, he's really hard to kill.
- Hey. Y'all make it to the beach? - Yeah, it's great. Just keep going.
- Hey. You see any rangers up ahead? - None that I saw.
It's only, like, three miles to the beach, we hope?
Yeah, but lots of twists and turns ahead.
Hey, the further we go, the fewer people on the trail.
And your point is?
Back there. Pretend you gotta pee.
Pretend?
The cops in Honolulu released a photo of the killers.
Apparently, they didn't know they were on camera.
Come on.
- Shit. - What?
- It could be anybody. - Are you sure about that?
They don't look familiar to you?
- Y'all good or what? - Having a bathroom break!
You are freaking me out! It could be anybody.
I mean, what do we really know about these people ...
aside from him and his stories?
Which, I might add, are starting to sound more and more bullshitty to me.
Next thing we're going to find out he's got the heart of a baboon or something.
I think he's just trying to impress.
I mean, you know, he thinks you're going to write a movie about his life or something.
What do we know?
Well, she's from Savannah. Her father is a controlling military shit.
She rebelled. She met Nick in South Carolina,
but he reminded her too much of Daddy.
He chased her until finally giving up and moving on,
but that's when she got interested in him, of course.
It's their first time in Hawaii.
They thought Waikiki was a little Las Vegas, but they love it here on Kauai.
Girls talk.
So, they were on Oahu, too.
I guess they were.
- Interesting guy, Cliff. - Yeah.
First man ever who wants to talk while he's in the bathroom.
What is going on back there?
You keep shaking that bush so we know you're there.
Keep shaking that bush, Luke!
I mean, we're supposed to be on our honeymoon. Okay?
So, slow down that overactive brain of yours 'cause I want to enjoy myself here.
Babe, we're gonna be fine.
Well, I guess the beach will still be there tomorrow.
- I hope we are. - Motherfucker!
- You're doing great, babe! - What?
- Amazing! - Yeah.
All right. We got macaroni and cheese with real imitation cheese.
Honey, that's a vegetable dish where I come from.
That's good reflexes, for a writer.
What? I love that stuff.
- What? - What, what?
What do you mean, ''What, what''? What's everybody looking at?
Whatever he's looking at.
Probably just a goat. There's a lot of them in these valleys.
I haven't seen any goats.
I don't expect you would, Cliff.
Your situational awareness kind of sucks. That's not a knock.
You're a screenwriter. I'm a Jedi. That's just different paths we chose.
Think they kill them first?
Or did he just drown in there?
- I always wondered. - No, I'm good.
Just so I know whether or not to be offended,
define ''situational awareness.''
What's the first thing you do when you step onto a plane?
Maybe you have a sip of that fine champagne?
You do fly in first class, right?
I put away my shit, like everyone else.
Well, when I board a plane, making my way back to the cheap seats,
I clock every door.
I pace off the distance between those exits and my seat.
That plane loses power on takeoff, I can make egress in the dark, totally blind.
If the aisle crowds up, I'm going to climb over the back of 36D,
guy with that shiny-ass toupee, make the over-the-wing exit.
And I know the handle swings down, not up.
And I know the door swings in, not out.
And I know all that inside of 30 seconds,
before they even pop the cork for you up there in Hollywood class.
See, if you wait till the emergency happens before you decide what to do,
you're already dead.
What chance do you have of that happening?
- Happened in Sioux City. - Sioux City?
DC-10. It rolled four times on landing.
Wound up in an lowa cornfield, 112 people dead.
- Yeah, I remember seeing that on TV. - Yeah. I saw it from the inside.
He is really hard to kill.
Let's go.
Hey! What are you going to do with that thing?
- Dinner. Come on. - Dry underwear, but thanks, though.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty.
- Excuse me? - It's no problem.
You want to stay in the kitchen with the lady folks, you stay.
Yeah, I'm an adult,
so that kitty noise, that's not ... Doesn't work any more.
You know, it crossed my mind ...
that it crossed your mind that we're the ones.
Me and Gina.
- The ones who ... - It's okay, Cliff.
That's your screenplay-writer mind working its magic,
spinning shit every which way. You gotta think like that.
What? The killers?
''The Gruesome Twosome.''
Possible title number two.
See, now I think your mind's spinning, Nick.
So, you think it's just a coincidence we were there at the same time on Oahu?
Just like Cydney and I were there.
Just a lot of people on Oahu when the murders happened.
- That's the way you look at it? - That's exactly how I look at it, Nick.
Good.
Though it would make a hell of an Act 2 twist.
- We're not really hunting goats here, are we? - No.
Then mind telling me what the hell we are doing out here?
We got us a shadow. Two of them.
Haven't identified them as hostile yet, but they passed by our camp,
double backed for a second look and then they took cover somewhere in here.
I know, you didn't see them.
- People from the Falls? - It's someone else.
All right, should get back to camp. Come on.
Gina can take care of herself.
I was thinking about Cydney.
Gina can take care of her, too.
Are you just so fucking with me, Nick?
If I was the killer, I wouldn't stay in Oahu.
- I'd come right here. - Wait.
- I'm a little worried about Cliff. - Please.
Boys are happiest when they're hunting something they can't quite catch.
Besides, gives us a little time together.
No, dope's not really my thing.
So, what is your thing, Cydney? 'Cause we really hadn't heard yet.
It would sound kind of boring to you.
Well, try me.
Well, we've been working really hard at getting pregnant.
We're gonna have five kids, two boys and three girls,
and they'll be beautiful beyond belief, of course.
We wanna get a place in the Palisades, close to one of the bluffs.
Take long walks in the summertime, and watch all the boats come in.
You know, and it'll just be us, you know, our family.
And I guess, you know, I'll just be happy being called Mom ...
and Mrs. Cydney Anderson ...
for a while.
You know, there was this preacher back in Georgia ...
and he used to tell all us kids how we would rot in hell ...
for having sex outside the sanctity of marriage.
And then one day, you know, bless his little heart,
his wife caught him out back the Waffle House with some hooker.
A hooker with a really big dick.
Yeah. So, now when people wanna tell me ...
how so fucking perfect their lives are,
I don't believe them.
Hey!
Nick!
I do lie about my old life sometimes.
See, when my parents stopped slapping the crap out of each other and split up,
they decided that they could have two kids each.
The problem was there was five kids,
so I did the foster scare thing for a while ...
and that only lasted until I met this guy named Rocky.
He was a couple of years older.
And it's so funny. Everyone in the neighbourhood ...
thought he was like this fine, young gentleman, you know.
But I saw something different in him, something risky,
something crooked and cool.
Didn't hurt that he had his own truck, neither.
- He did. - Yeah.
Wrong paint on one door, but damn, he had some nice chrome wheels on it.
Yeah. I know guys like Rocky.
Yeah, this one night, he drove me out onto the lake.
And it was hot and raining.
And I had the top button of my shorts all undone for this guy, you know,
and just hoping this is why we came down here.
Oh, God.
You know, I remember the way the cracks in the vinyl seat ...
were pinching the back of my legs.
You know, and that was bothering me,
but what he was doing with his fingers sure wasn't.
And suddenly, he's in my hand, all slippery and nice,
and he's about to go off.
And I'm about to come for, like, the first time, ever.
And then he puts the headlights on.
And he makes me get out of the car to go ...
Go look at something over by a pile of leaves.
And it was Goldie, the neighbour's Labrador.
And he still had ...
He still had the panty hose wrapped around his neck ...
from when he had hung it from a tree.
He said he would kill me if I ever told anybody.
Well, did you ever tell anybody?
Yeah.
Right now.
Jesus!
You know, it always amazes me how much people talk about themselves ...
when they're on vacation.
- Talk to people they only just met. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, what you doing?
Cliff, yeah? Cliff Anderson.
What are you doing?
I thought that was you, but then I seen four peeps instead of two,
you know, I got all mixed up and ...
But what are you doing here? Why are you following us ...
and who is that female? - That's my bitch, Jessie.
- But what are you doing here? - Your permits, brother.
You leave them at the store, okay?
- You came all this way just to ... - Auntie thought you needed them.
This ain't the mainland, brother. We do this shit here, okay?
Okay?
- All right. All right, I'm sorry. - Okay? Easy.
- Hey, babe, where you been? Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Where's Nicko at? - Last time I saw him, he was up in ...
I don't know, over there.
Well, look at that.
Yeah, baby, look at that.
Hold this for me, Cliff.
One to the neck, I broke it off. The body's clean.
Okay, baby, you are a man in full,
but how's about putting the head thataway so the blood runs downhill ...
instead of all over our shit? - Again, Cliff, thank you.
Okay, and how's about you make sure to cinch off the oesophagus this time ...
so you don't foul the meat?
I'm sorry, are you going to do this or am I?
Hey, I ran into your friends. They looked a little spooked.
- What did you say to them? - Just ...
Hey, Cliff, can I see that thing?
Thank you.
See, I spent a summer in the meat department at the Piggly Wiggly,
so this ain't nothing to me.
But if you're squeamish ...
You wanna get all the way back here, the anus.
And now what you want to do is get the bag, the gut bag, out.
I mean, I find that more interesting than gory, really.
You guys hungry?
You might wanna bury that.
Okay.
These two have graduated to the official crazy category.
You know that, right?
So, let's just pack our bags and get out of here.
We can make up some excuse. We can ...
What, like what? Like, ''We think you're the killers?''
No, but we can ... We can say one of us doesn't feel good or something.
Look, we don't have to go through with this.
- We can just pack up our bags. - Look, it was hard enough getting in here.
We can't just leave.
What do you suggest?
- It's only two more miles to the beach, right? - Two long miles.
I know, but I think we have to ride this thing out.
Keep Nick talking.
Keep him thinking he's going to be the star of some Hollywood movie.
Keep them both happy so that everybody gets to the beach alive.
But we keep our game face on.
Do not let them know that anything is wrong here.
Do you understand me? Hey, do you understand me?
Can you hold that for me?
I just thought we were gonna have a real honeymoon.
Rise and shine. It's your wake-up call.
Out of the tent now.
Outside now.
We want to see everybody's smiling face.
Shit! It was only one goat.
This is the Kauai County Police. We want you face down on the ground now.
We want to see your hands. Show me your hands.
I repeat. Do not ...
These boys are coming in heavy.
You might want to hang back, let them do their thing.
Come on.
- Get down on the ground! - Fucking pigs!
Let me see your hands!
Fuck you messing with us for, man? We ain't got nothing to do with it, nothing!
Let's hold it right there.
- What the hell did they do? - Can't say.
Fucking groping me!
All right, man, all right! Relax!
Does it have something to do with the murders on Honolulu?
Really can't say.
Wait a minute. It's those guys! It's Kale and Cleo.
They think it's them.
Hey, baby, don't worry! Relax! They ain't got nothing on us!
I'm gonna sue your fucking ass!
Hey, go ahead, man. Look all you want.
Think there's a gun in there? Show me a gun.
Kale! Kale!
We almost picked these guys up in our car.
Baby! Baby, don't let them take me! Let me out!
What the fuck, man?
You know, I have to admit, I thought it might have been you guys.
You're joking! So much for our game face, huh?
I can't believe it 'cause I thought it was you.
Oh, my God, it is!
You! The killer.
Well, whoopty-tah!
Ample time to sunset, too, huh?
Outstanding.
Yes!
Hey, you guys, can you get a shot of us, in front of this rainbow?
Baby, I look like hell.
- Come on. - No, you look great.
You're a good liar.
- All right, here you go. - Okay.
- Just point and shoot it? - Yeah.
Okay. Rolling. Go ahead.
- Hey. - Hey.
We survived the trail and our honeymoon.
Hut. Hut.
- Hey! - Hey.
- Hey, there's sea caves down the coast. - Yeah.
Read about that. West-southwest, around this point, I guess.
Well, let's do it.
No, I cut a deal with these guys. I got two kayaks, one hour, 40 bucks.
- And, no, you don't owe me 20. - Yeah, I just got plans is all.
- What kind of plans could you have? - Covert plans.
You do know how to handle a kayak?
Pallie, I've done shark fishing in a kayak.
- Of course. - Rod and reel, coast of Alaska.
Caught a 400-pound salmon shark.
He put up a hell of a fight, but you know who's gonna win that battle.
Nick, are any of your stories true?
- You want me to send you pictures? - Yeah.
- Come on, let's go.
Come on, it'll give us a chance to talk about our movie deal.
Cydney!
Tell her I'll be back for a sunset walk! Me and Gina.
Where are they going?
What?
The sea caves! They won't be long!
Son of a bitch.
Nick! Wait! Don't go!
Come back!
- Hey, what is she saying? - I don't know.
Come back, come back.
She's got a nice bounce to her, though, don't she?
Nick!
Sunset! I'm coming back!
Damn it! Nick!
Come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on.
Stupid hunk of shit!
Shit!
What, are you running out of gas?
Our own tactical frequency?
I just want to make sure we get you back in time.
Copy that. Jedi out.
Jedi out.
Outstanding.
Shit. Where are you?
Hey! Gotta ask you something.
- Shoot. - What is that ...
''Shake that bush.'' What does that mean?
Kidding me?
What, it's some Special Ops lingo?
''What we've got here is failure to communicate.''
It's Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. Right before he breaks from the chain gang.
You should know that.
I should, yeah.
He goes in alive.
Well, the stories were great, Nick.
They're really helpful.
But your ''situational awareness,'' it actually kind of sucks.
- Cliff? - Call me Nick.
It always amazes me how much people talk about themselves ...
when they're on vacation.
Talk to people they just met.
It always amazes me how much people talk about themselves ...
when they're on vacation.
Talk to people they just met.
How did she say it?
It always amazes me how much people talk about themselves ...
when they're on vacation.
Talk to people they just met.
Hey, baby, look, it's Kale and Cleo getting married in Oahu.
Suitable for framing.
We say screenwriter. We say screenwriter, not screenplay writer.
Guns? No, no. Who got guns?
A guy named Kale, runs with a girl named Cleo.
Maybe when you get back you can tell somebody about it, okay?
Just a two-week punch-up.
Yeah, just a two-week punch-up.
Just a punch-up. Two weeks.
Yep, working on a two-week punch-up.
And we invited ... I had to invite my other sisters.
You know, my sorority sisters.
I basically hooked them up.
Check this out! Hello!
Yeah, we're in pre-production in Canada.
And we are still casting up.
Hey, my brother's a dick!
I don't know why I'm telling you this. I just came here to dance.
You dance with who brung you, Cliffie. You dance with who brung you.
- I absolutely love you. - That's my friend.
Just the most magical weekend.
- Our wedding haul! - Our wedding haul!
Magical. Magical.
This is the happiest day of my life.
This is the scene right now in the harbour area near Pier 19,
where, late today, a city trash collector ...
stumbled across what appears to be another double homicide.
Come on, this ain't got nothing to do with us.
Something I can show you?
Well, not me, but see that dangerously handsome man over there?
When he comes in here and asks you what I was looking at,
can you show him this ring?
And that one.
And let's not deny him that little rascal right there.
Seems like he's more interested in water sports right now.
Well, that's just an operational cover. Trust me, he is watching us.
Any second now he's going to come on in here,
drag me out and then forget something.
Need to double back and ask you all private-like ...
what it was that I was looking at.
Been playing this game a while?
Nicko. I love him to tears, but he does take his own sweet time.
Anytime, hon.
You know what? Also, show him that one right there.
Okay. Just those four.
- Shit! - What?
I left my drink.
And let's not forget this little rascal, right here.
- So, I take it you're planning the next step? - I got plans.
Covert plans.
I'm going to make a sunset proposal on Kalalau Beach.
Okay, I just need to make sure that this isn't going to be,
you know, underwhelming compared to whatever's stuck
inside of that twangy little head of hers.
You know what? Let me ...
Is that gonna work?
If it's truly gonna disappoint her, I'll roll over and play dead for you.
I'm gonna be the easiest mark you ever had.
Just please, help me get it right.
Gina is gonna be the first and last for me. She is the one.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I think she'll love anything you give her.
- So, you didn't buy anything? - What would I want to buy in there?
I don't know. I mean, you just ...
You know, it took you so long, I was thinking maybe they got you.
No, no, I got away clean.
Hey, it's 1600. We should catch that ferry.
- Where's your drink? - God damn it!
Babe, get a picture of me with Honolulu in the back.
I have a better idea.
- Come on, come on, come on! - Let's get the both of us.
Right there! It's right there!
- Excuse me. - Come on, run, run! We got to run!
- Wait, wait, wait! - Crap!
Shit.
- Honolulu! - Hawaii!
We made it, we made it!
- Have we met before? - No, no, no, no, no.
- I haven't seen you on TV? - No such luck. No.
Sometimes it seems like nothing exists until we get there,
until we put our eyes on it.
Like the whole fucking world was manufactured ...
for our wants and needs, you know?
- Think it'll be a nice sunset? - I mean, like, if I take ...
If I just turn my head, you know, for just a minute and ...
But don't tell me. But does everything just stop?
Just shut down, go into some energy-saving hibernation mode ...
till I choose to reactivate them by simply ...
You should say sweet stuff to me sometimes.
How many times do I need to tell you?
If there's anyone in this world that I could love, it's you.
- Why is that never enough? - Just forget about it.
Look, you helped create this fevered dream of immortality.
You are the privileged witness ...
who's going to help me lead 100 different lives.
It's you.
Look, I get it.
I know that in some bent way ...
your need for detachment fits my need for attachment. That's it.
It's fitting fuck and a fucking fit. I get it, okay?
Let's stop lying to ourselves, okay?
I'm not lying now.
I love the idea of loving you.
And I love hearing it.
It's sick and it's sad.
Does that make me crazy, Rocky?
Am I crazy? Am I?
It makes you exciting.
Well, whoopty-tah.
Outstanding.
No!
Nick!
Who is this?
Hello, my name is Woody ...
and I'm calling to make sure you're getting the most ...
out of your AT& T calling plan. - Sweet, flaming Jesus,
you don't work the whole time.
- Where're you at? What state are you in? - I'm not supposed to say.
Okay, Woody, there's been some murders in Honolulu.
Maybe you've heard, maybe you haven't.
But they are coming after me and I need your help.
Can you do this for me, Woody? Woody, are you there?
I hear your concerns, Madam, but with our free-to-roam plan, we can offer you ...
more minutes regardless of the time of day ...
Screw the calling plan and listen to me good, okay?
You're going to be my 911 boy, okay, Woody?
All right. I need you to call the Princeville, Kauai Police Department,
and you tell them that I can have the killers to the Kalalau Beach in about 30 minutes.
Can you do that for me? Woody!
I'm placing you on a brief hold.
No! No, you do not put me on hold! You do not check with your supervisor.
I need you to just do it! Okay?
And I also need you to maybe call for some air ambulance or something because ...
Hello?
Hello, Madam?
Hello?
Please tell me that you will do this for me. Please, please, please, please.
Swear to me that you will.
- This is in the Pacific Ocean? - Jesus!
God, I hope you're recording this call! Yes, it is in the Pacific Ocean!
- Yes, it is one of the five islands! - More to the left.
I'm on Kauai,
in the Hawaiian chain of islands. - More.
More. Almost there. A little more, baby.
Right there.
Bitch!
She got a call off!
Ask for help back at the beach!
Remember, nothing exists until we get there.
Got it.
But, Rocky, nothing exists until I get there.
Here I come, baby.
Didn't mean to scare you. But you haven't seen two dudes,
two kayaks? - He shot my boyfriend!
He shot me in the fucking hand.
- So, let's just go back to the beach. - Let me see that.
- No! Let go of me! Let go! - Hey, listen to me. I'm an EMT. Okay?
- I don't care who you are. - lf you let me take a look,
- I can help you. Let's get her down. - I need to go, okay?
'Cause he is right behind me. No! Let me ... No!
- Listen, I'm an EMT. - Wait, wait. Hold on. Calm down.
Come here. Come here, come here. Let me take a look at that shot.
- Okay. Okay, I'll go down. - You're in shock, okay?
- I'll go down. - Calm down. Calm down.
- Okay, and there's going to be help ... - Hey!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Get her, get her.
- Put her down. Listen to me! You're safe! - Calm down.
He was right behind me just a minute ago.
- You don't understand. - Who are you talking about?
He ...
Gina? You feeling better?
Hey!
- Relax. Relax. - We need to go right now, okay?
Do you hear me?
She's a friend of my wife. She has a little issue with crystal meth.
Okay? Normally she's pretty functional, but obviously this ain't normal.
He killed my Nicko!
Come on!
He wants to be us! That's what he wants, okay?
Him and his girlfriend want to be us!
She's iced out of her mind right now. I mean it's been a whole ...
- Look, look, look, look. Come here. - No. No, no, no. Don't go by him.
- Don't go. Don't go. - Look at this.
I've been finding these the whole trip.
I think she just got in over her head this time.
So, I hope we don't have to involve the police or anything like that.
I mean, I promise I'll get her back safe, okay?
Don't listen to him! Don't listen to him!
Look, man, we're just out here because someone took off with two of our boats.
The last thing we want is to get involved in somebody else's mess.
- Okay. Cool. - Right?
- Yeah, right. - Cool.
- Except ... - Except what?
You know, it's just that I don't get why her pupils are normal ...
and yours are the size of olives.
Guys, that was a perfectly good story.
Fuck! Count your fucking shots! Gina, hey!
No way.
Nicko.
How many people?
Enough to get good at it.
- I bit my tongue. I hate that. - That's going to stop hurting in a second.
Why, Nick? You think this is it?
Bad guy buys it, crowd goes nuts.
You know what I hate about that ending, aside from it being cliché?
It's your version of reality, pallie. Not mine!
It would feel so good to squeeze that trigger right now, wouldn't it? Yeah.
But you kill me, you kill yourself.
- This is the Hawaii County Police. - You ain't going to do that.
Weapons down. Put your weapons down!
You've got too much to live for. You've got too many attachments.
You're just too soft! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
It's the guy standing with the weapon, correct?
He is the one you told us about, correct?
The area is closed. All trails are blocked.
- Come on, Nick! Come on! Do it! - I said drop all weapons.
If you don't kill me, I'll just come back!
These fucking idiots can't keep me locked up!
Hey, hey! One year from today. Honolulu, Pier 19, okay? Around noon. Be there!
Weapon ready.
Someone's going to brush by you, maybe give you a little nudge.
They might not look like me. Okay? Might look a little something like you.
Circle the date, Nick,
because that is the day that you're going to realise ...
just how good I really fucking am!
I have to know I'm about to kill the right man.
Now, is he the one I want?
- Come on! Do it! Just do it. Come on. Do it! - Last chance! Weapons down!
Do it.
Outstanding!
Get away.
Don't die on me. Don't die on me again. Christ.
I would have done it if I were you.
Well, you ain't him.
The one you want,
the one who killed all those people ...
and the one that I let fuck up my life ...
is the same guy who's about to pick up that gun.
Yeah. Him.
- What are you doing? - It's all right.
This is for you.
Holy crap.
- Did you get it from that store in Honolulu? - eBay.
eBay.
How long have you had it?
- A year and a half. - A year and a half?
Well, what are you waiting for, you dumb bastard?
The right moment.
Baby, you are a man in full.
Wait a second.
- Let's not do a honeymoon. - I don't need no honeymoon.